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love_sacrificedTitle: The Hesitant Match
Author: JE /immortalje
Pairing: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Summary: When Carlos is matched with a sentinel from New York, he's got his work cut out for him to convince him that they can make it work. Along the way he has to face some of his own truths.
Rating: FRT
Words: 6,448
Beta: None
Challenge: This was written for Q2 "Fusion/Crossover" of The Big Moxie
Other Locations: Ao3
AN #1: While this takes place during early season 1, it does factor in canon from later seasons.
AN #2:I was kind of excited for this theme when I signed up as I have nearly a dozen 9-1-1 Lone Star/Sentinel fusions in various states of progress and this seemed like a good reason to finally finish them. I've been in love with Sentinel fusions for years and have been itching to write my own take on it for years.
And then I felt completely uninspired to work on any of them or start a new one. I was seriously browsing other crossovers I've got in progress as I really wanted to post something for the Big Moxie. In the end, I did go back to my original plan, but have to admit that I'm not as happy with this as I'd hoped to be. Especially since I intended the Sentinel and Guide theme to carry a bigger role. Oh well. I did try my best and I did manage to finish something I'm nonetheless proud of :)
The Hesitant Match
Carlos closed the door behind himself and sighed. Today’s family gathering had been one of the worst he’d attended so far. Granted, it hadn’t started out that bad even with him running just a bit behind his own schedule. It had gone downhill once Camilla, one of his cousins who was two years older than him, started in on him and his faults as a guide. It was the number one reason why he usually tried to avoid her. His relatives often enough helped with that. Because Camilla Reyes? She had ideas on what a guide should be and do to be perfect for their sentinel. Camilla, of course, meeting that perfection. Not that Camilla had found a sentinel yet. It wasn’t a guarantee for guides to find a fitting sentinel as there wasn’t an equal number of guides and sentinels. Neither did every guide or sentinel out there want or need a sentinel or guide to bond with. There were triads out there. Everything was possible.
It would help if he wouldn’t be as aware of every bit that made it harder for him to be matched up. An example of that being that he had limited potential matches to male sentinels only in a state where people usually limited to the opposite gender, leaving it open for either gender at most. Not that his family knew that part. He’d never outright said it. Though, his parents at least might think about it considering that he had come out as gay to them as a teenager. Not that they had actually asked him and he didn’t expect them to since they hadn’t even commented when he’d married Iris in the aftermath of their absolute non-reaction to his coming out.
The biggest fault – the one Camilla had harped on the most about this time – was his strong tie to Austin. He’d go as far as calling it territoriality. It was rare, but not unheard of, for guides to be territorial. They either found a local sentinel that was as territorial or one that wasn’t territorial in the traditional sense. The third option was that their drive to serve their community simply outweighed their desire for a sentinel. However, he was certain that the latter didn’t apply to him as he definitely yearned for someone to spend his life with in a non-platonic sense.
There were countless other things she believed that were more or less ridiculous. He’d gotten good at ignoring it the same way he ignored some of the crazy stuff at work. The problem was that he’d had a difficult shift that had run into a significant amount of overtime and, as a result, he hadn’t succeeded as much with ignoring Camilla’s rhetoric as usual. Worse, he’d been practically blindsided by her.
He’d retreated from the event as soon as it had been reasonably acceptable much to the chagrin of his mother. As much as he usually hated to disappoint her, he just didn’t have the energy to deal with anything else for the day. He was all out of fucks to give as one of his coworkers liked to say.
Deciding that he was just anxious enough to have trouble settling down, he started tidying up his living room a bit. Earlier he’d just rushed home to get changed and had been out of the door within less than ten minutes. Not that there was a lot to do though. All he had to do was cleaning out his work bag and replacing things as needed, preparing his breakfast for the next day and sorting through his mail.
As if the day couldn’t get any worse, sorting through his mail revealed an official letter from the local Sentinel and Guide Center. Just what he needed right after being told how bad of a guide he was. What did they want from him? Being summoned to the center had never been something good in his experience. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it had never been something he’d classified as good.
~***~
Carlos took careful, calming breaths. His current visit to the Sentinel and Guide Center wasn’t for any of the usual reasons he’d been called in so far. No, this one had the potential to be very good or very, very bad.
Alan, his assigned coordinator with the center, had given him the good news of a match with the potential for a high compatibility with very noticeable unease and caution. All he’d been told was that the match was with a sentinel from New York City coming to Austin to help rebuild the 126 that had suffered a horrendous tragedy several months ago. A male sentinel whose primary territory appeared to be centered around family – blood and chosen – rather than a specific geographical location. A sentinel who wasn’t the happiest to be in Austin. Who, apparently, had trauma stamped onto him. Although what kind of trauma hadn’t been revealed. A sentinel that had been strongly advised to find a guide that at the same time, didn’t appear to be overly interested in actually finding a guide.
He hadn’t even seen, let alone met, the sentinel yet and his heart was urging him to take care of him. He hoped that the meeting would go well. A meeting that was minutes away. A meeting that had to go well because the area covered by the 126 and the one that he typically covered overlapped quite a lot. He didn’t need that to be awkward.
“He’s ready for you,” someone said, startling Carlos out of his thoughts. The look the person gave him when he turned towards them was somewhere between pity and jealousy. Not very promising.
“Right,” Carlos said, standing up while his stomach tried to twist around itself with nerves.
“Room Six. At the end of the hall.”
“Thanks.”
He walked down the indicated hallway and couldn’t help but notice that he was heading towards the few rooms with extra muffling for privacy. He remembered being shown them on a quick tour of the facilities available to the general sentinel and guide population after he’d come online, but he’d never had a use for them so far.
Room Six had the additional feature of a glass door. A door that gave him prime view of one of the most gorgeous men he’d ever seen – even while he was sitting in a chair with his entire body screaming how much he didn’t want to be there, but would do as told. He was drinking from a cup that looked very much like those from that juice bar one of his coworkers kept raving about.
Not far from the door, another guide was sitting, observing the sentinel through the door. Initial meetings tended to be observed in some form or another to intervene if something went wrong. Still, they did try to give as much privacy as possible. The guy just nodded at Carlos in greeting, but didn’t say anything.
With a final deep breath, Carlos moved towards the room and opened the door. Time to face the music and see if this sentinel might be the one for him.
After he closed the door behind him and turned around, he noticed the sentinel look him up and down in clear, unashamed appreciation. There was little doubt that the sentinel was at the very least interested in getting to know him on a physical level. Emotionally was a different question. One not as easily answered as the sentinel clearly had experience in not projecting his emotions. Something that spoke to experience and someone that had been surrounded by guides for years.
Still, he clearly was hurting, miserable and likely depressed. He was fairly good at sensing overall base emotions even in those that were good at locking themselves down. There was a big difference between a base emotion and what someone currently felt though. It was still possible for someone that was depressed to feel happy just like a genuinely happy person could feel sad.
The sentinel put his cup down and, with yet another once over, said, “Well, they certainly know how to grow them here in Texas.”
It reminded him that he probably should say something himself.
“I’m Carlos and – “
“The poor guy they’re trying to assign to me?”
Carlos shrugged and sat down on the only other chair in the room. With as much nonchalance as he could manage, he said, “It’s not as if we wouldn’t have met. The 126 overlaps with the area I usually cover on shift.”
“Is it? Which station do you work for?”
“Main headquarters. I’m with APD.”
“A cop?” That had clearly caught the sentinel unaware. Thankfully, he couldn’t sense any immediate negative reaction beyond the surprise.
“That a problem?”
“Well, officer, that depends on where you fall on the line,” the sentinel said with a come-hither look.
“Of what? Public indecency certainly won’t fly,” Carlos said, trying very hard to ignore that he might just go there for this sentinel.
“Are you sure about that?” the guy said while looking him up and down, “How about some misuse of equipment. They do issue you handcuffs, don’t they?”
There was little doubt that the sentinel wasn’t just saying it to get to him, but actually very serious. Playful serious at any rate. So far everything was speaking towards a very good compatibility on a physical level. The emotional one was the problematic side though. Reminding himself that this wasn’t about just a center organized hook up, but an actual, serious match, Carlos tried to rein the flirting in a bit.
“Well, it’s not something for the first date. Things like that require trust after all.”
He could see the sentinel swallow at that. Both at the fact that it was on the table and that it wouldn’t be for just a hookup.
The sentinel huffed, leaned back in his chair in a way that looked very put out, and said rather grumpily, “I’m TK, in case they didn’t tell you.”
Carlos was sure that he expected there to have been an in depth briefing on the situation. Certainly, more so than he’d actually been told. Not that it would have been hard to achieve since he hadn’t even been told a name.
Shrugging, he said, “Just that you’re here to rebuild the 126. That you’re originally from New York City and, while not very interested in being matched, that you’ve been very strongly advised to get a match.”
All he got in return was a huffed, “Right.”
“Look, even if this doesn’t work out, I think you could need a friend. I’m willing to be such a friend.”
“You sure they didn’t say anything else? They usually give the whole life story in my experience. If not an entire family tree.”
“Not sure how it is in New York, but they tend to be primarily hands-off here. Let people figure themselves out. My coordinator said that you had trauma stamped all over you, and I can’t say that I disagree. While you’re good at keeping your emotions to yourself, I am able to sense a strong base note of you being miserable and likely depressed. Which fits together with some kind of trauma even if I can’t say what kind of trauma. Being a first responder myself, I can think of plenty of things though.”
TK huffed at that, but didn’t correct him.
After a moment and looking away from Carlos, TK said without the bravado he’d displayed so far, “My last boyfriend, who I was decently compatible with, he – well, I figured that he was it. Was gearing up for forever and he broke up with me for some other guy. Strongly implying that he’d been cheating without explicitly calling it that while at it.”
Carlos’ heart sank. That was a lot to overcome.
Before he could say something, TK added in an even lower voice, “And then I relapsed.”
“Oh.”
His mind was telling him that this could have been anything, even while he mentally catalogued and analyzed TK’s behavior with things he’d witnessed at work. His heart was beating fast as reality set in that trauma was probably putting it lightly. Sentinels and guides and addiction was a very touchy subject far too rarely touched in the public eye and only slightly more within the community itself. People rarely wanted to think of sentinels and guides as human beings that weren’t infallible.
“You know, if it’s too much -,” TK said, clearly expecting to be rejected.
“We can still be friends,” Carlos assured him quickly, “And it won’t scare me from giving you a chance for more once you’re ready. I can understand that it might take time to be ready for anything beyond friendship after that.”
As much as he wanted TK now, it was very obvious to him that this wasn’t something that could be rushed. Trust needed to be built first. More than that, TK would need to learn to trust his own choices in other people again.
“Really?”
Carlos was both glad and hurt by the hopeful disbelief coming from TK. Not all was broken, but a lot needed to heal before they really could reach a good place for a relationship beyond friendship. The question was if he could be patient enough or if he’d fall down that hole far too quickly and far too deep before it was wise to do so.
“Really,” Carlos said, “So, how about we actually get to know each other?”
“What do you want to know?”
Carlos shrugged, not sure where to start. It had been a while since he put himself out there to get to know someone he wanted to stay in his life.
“Guess I’ll start then. What’s your favorite food?” TK said, clearly done waiting for a question.
“It’s a tossup between my abuela’s fish tacos and my mama’s tamales.”
“Sounds great. I love pho and my mom’s cholent.”
With that the ice seemed to be broken and they kept asking each other random questions, keeping it to relatively safe topics like their jobs and family.
~***~
During yet another evening alone at home, Carlos ruminated on his developing friendship with TK Strand. After that first meeting between them, they had met up a couple of times in the center as they got to know each other. Carlos wasn’t sure why, but it somehow felt safer to do so at the center. TK seemed to agree as he kept suggesting the center as a location quickly each time. He wasn’t sure if it was about keeping their hands to themselves or about keeping the possibility of more out of the reality of the outside world though. Maybe both.
Whatever it was, Carlos learned that TK had a lot to say about anything and everything. Outside of how he was feeling about his last relationship, his relapse or them that is. They did talk about good places to go out to have a good time, weird calls they’d dealt with I the past, the best food places to go to in Austin, TK’s hardships around cooking and living with his health obsessed father. Especially since TK was primarily following a kosher-style diet.
It was hard getting TK to trust him outside of the save topics though. He wanted to ask someone for advice, but wasn’t sure who. His family was out, his best friend was still missing and possibly dead, and Michelle was building herself up to yet another episode this close to Iris’ birthday. Not that he wasn’t feeling the absence of his best friend. He kept wondering if he could have done anything to help her. If he could and should have noticed anything off with her. Instead, he’d thrown himself into work once it had become clear that they’d been very foolish and idealistic to think that marrying each other would fix either of their issues. Least of all Carlos’. They’d gotten worse at being friends. At communicating. At being open with each other.
And maybe that was it, wasn’t it? He was doing his very best to help TK, to get him to open up. What about giving something to TK? Hadn’t Iris talked about showing a bit of trust in a bid to gain someone’s trust during one of those times he’d helped her study for one of her psychology classes? Besides, if he ever did bond with TK, he would have to come clean about being still being married.
So, maybe he should go prepared to the next meet up with a couple of pictures and a story to tell. A meeting that would be the last meeting before the 126 would go online again for the first time in months.
~***~
“This feels different,” TK said as soon as he entered the room.
Carlos looked up from the stuff he’d spread on the table and could see that TK was staring at it with clear curiosity.
“I realized that this isn’t just about me getting to know you. It’s about us getting to know each other.”
“Okay.”
“Take a seat,” Carlos said, feeling far too nervous with TK standing over him. This decision had seemed so much better when he’d made it.
“You’re usually calm and collected.”
Carlos shrugged and said, “This isn’t – it’s not an easy topic for me to talk about.”
“Now I’m curious.”
“Family-wise, I’m only actually out to my parents,” Carlos started, figuring in that he might as well go for broke, “They told me they loved me and then completely ignored it. I – my best friend and I – we had this stupid notion that getting married to each other would fix things that weren’t good in our lives. She’d be able to have a stable family and I could fix what got broken with my parents when I came out. She’d been the first person I had come out to and she had been super supportive. Obviously, things don’t work like that. We just – we were too young, inexperienced and idealistic about what marriage meant.”
“So, you’re divorced?” TK said without any obvious judgement about the fact that he’d been married to a woman.
Carlos shrugged and said, “We’d talked about how the marriage would work. How we’d handle me being gay and not interested in sex with women and what we expected out of the marriage. Reality turned out differently. We’d agreed to separate and file for divorce and were both dating other people. Kind of. However, we were also procrastinating on it as I adjusted to being a cop and she attended med school. And then she went missing. I came online in the aftermath of that. That was three years ago.”
“Oh,” TK said almost soundlessly.
“If you’d like confirmation, Michelle Blake is her sister. She said she’d be back at the 126 as the EMT Captain for A-Shift,” Carlos said, unsure how to take a clearly wrongfooted and barely talking TK, “I mean, I haven’t told her about our meetings. I don’t meet up with her that regularly. Nor will I ever share anything we talk about with her without permission.”
“No, that’s fine. You don’t seem like the type that would go running around sharing other people’s secrets.”
“Are you okay?”
“It’s a lot to take in,” TK said, “And I’m not quite sure how to feel about the news that you are actually married.”
“I could still file for divorce. Eventually, it would be processed in absentia.”
“You wouldn’t be eligible to be told anything about the case though, would you? If you’re no longer married. You did say she was your best friend. Not that I’m saying that Captain Blake or other family members wouldn’t keep you informed. I only ran into her once and she seemed pretty decent.”
Carlos just shrugged, not sure if they would. He wasn’t sure how Michelle would take it even if she knew why he did it. There was a lot that he had a hard time judging when it came to any of the Blake women.
“Who knows why you got married? Just Iris?”
“Her sister is aware. I’ve grown closer to her since Iris went missing. I don’t think their mother is aware.”
“Right.”
To his dismay, the meeting didn’t really recover from his confession aside from a couple of more questions about the situation from TK and quickly came to an end. He couldn’t help but feel that he’d made a major error in judgement in revealing that painful piece of his past. At least this early. At one point in time, he would have had to tell him though, wouldn’t he?
~***~
Carlos wasn’t sure what to think when he got an invitation to meet up after work from both Michelle and TK not long after the first shift for the 126 must have ended. Michelle’s invitation had included a subtle wink about a certain firefighter, so he figured that she’d noticed his interaction with TK at the scene and considering how open TK was about being gay and might very well try to play matchmaker. TK’s invitation in turn had caught him off guard. Both for the fact that he’d been invited at all considering how their last meeting had gone and that it would be their first meeting outside of the center aside from their short meeting at that car accident.
Entering the bar, Carlos looked around and quickly spotted the crew close to the dancefloor. As a matter of fact, the majority of the group was making their way towards said dancefloor leaving just TK and another man behind. When he saw Michelle inviting who he assumed was TK’s dad, he took a deep breath and walked over.
“Hey,” he greeted TK, all of a sudden being extremely nervous.
“Hey,” TK said, drawing the word out a bit while looking him up and down, “You came.”
“Well, I ended up getting two invitations. Not sure if I had much of a chance to decline,” Carlos said, trying to go for funny.
“Really?”
“Yours might have been the more compelling one,” Carlos admitted.
“That’s good to know,” TK said with a smirk.
Cursing himself for how awkward this was, Carlos wondered what to do next. Reminding himself of all the previous meetings with TK, he remembered that he rarely wasn’t in motion or at least vibrating in some way or another.
“Wanna dance?”
TK looked him up and down and said, “Yeah.”
They quickly made their way towards the dancefloor where Carlos learned that contrary to his expectations, TK wasn’t a good dancer. At least not when it came to line dancing. Still, he went about it with a rather frustrated amusement. It was entirely too adorable.
If he’d thought that being invited out by TK would lead to a more open TK, he was sadly mistaken though. That didn’t mean that they didn’t have a good time. They flirted quite a bit and TK made sure that he got to meet the rest of the crew. The night also proved that he would risk a public indecency charge by letting TK go down on him in the bathroom. So, over all, the evening had been a success. Kind of.
A couple of days later, just as he was contemplating if he should invite TK for an outing and what kind TK would enjoy, he got another invitation. All the invitation included was a time and an address that he was fairly sure was in a residential area. All he could presume was that TK was inviting him to his own place.
When he arrived, the place actually looked as if nobody was home. Just as he was about to press the doorbell, a delivery driver pulled up behind his own car and got out. To his relief, TK opened the door in that moment.
Looking between the delivery driver and Carlos, TK was clearly amused as he said, “You’ve got perfect timing it seems. I hope you don’t mind that I picked some Chinese for both of us.”
“I’m pretty sure you grilled me enough on my preferences during our second meeting to know what not to order for me.”
TK just nodded and waved him inside while he focused on the delivery driver. Far too aware of himself, he made his way inside, studying the furniture and décor. He knew that TK had left most of the decision making to his dad, so there wasn’t a whole lot to get from the design choices about TK himself, but he knew that his own choices had been influenced by the way his childhood home had been arranged. So, there was reason to assume that TK’s might not be too dissimilar.
Before he could go too far, TK joined him, carrying the bag with several boxes inside.
“I figured we could sit outside. The weather seems bearable enough today to be outside for extended periods of time.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“I’ve been here less than a month and I’m not sure if I’ll ever acclimate to the Texas weather in comparison to New York. It might even top out trying to get used to the difference in smell and sound. I never realized how much I’d parsed out some stuff that is now missing very noticeably.”
Carlos just shrugged and said, “I’ve never been that far away.”
“Never?”
“Never felt the need to. I’m very comfortable here. I’ve actually been called territorial.”
“You might have to adjust to traveling with me to at least New York. My mom still lives there and I have every intention of visiting her.”
“I’ll see how it goes when it comes to it,” Carlos said hesitantly. The thought of going that far away was daunting. However, TK mentioning the two of them going to New York did imply that there would be enough of a future for them to require traveling together. To visit his mother at that and not just for a fun touristy trip.
With the table set for two and the numerous dishes set out that Carlos wasn’t sure they could finish eating, he said, “What about your dad? Is he home?”
“He’s out in town. Not sure if he’s actually on a date or just trying to check out the city with his senses. Mostly bars. He won’t be home until late.”
“Right.”
“He does know you’re here. Knowing that I wouldn’t be alone was a factor in his decision to go out without dragging me along. He likes to keep me close and right now; I’d rather not go to bars which.”
There was something that was missing from what TK was saying, but he didn’t know him well enough to infer it just yet. Hopefully, one day he’d be able to read between the lines or maybe even with TK willing not to hold onto his emotions so tightly.
While they ate, TK rambled along in the same way that he’d gotten used to – saying a lot without actually saying anything. Still, he could sense that TK was incredibly nervous about something. Considering his earlier comment about both of them traveling together to visit his mom, he didn’t think it was a break up. Not that they were really dating to begin with. He really needed to stay on track with that.
Finally, as TK ate the last of the vegetable potstickers, there seemed to be a shift in his mood.
“So, uh,” TK said, “if we are going to date and even bond. What do you intend to tell your family?”
Carlos felt a sudden dread. This had never before been an issue and he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t considered it in this instance. Everything in his interaction with TK had shown him that the man was out and proud and had the support of his parents in that. Really, meeting the rest of the 126 and seeing how diverse they were – there was little doubt that Owen Strand was doing his best to create a good work environment for his son. Well, maybe not just for his son as he’d been given the brief to counteract issues within AFD while being offered the job according to TK. However, Carlos was sure that the brass probably hadn’t considered how far the man would go. And he’d only met him twice on top of the things that TK had told him.
TK must have either sensed his distress or his expression must have been that easy to read, as he said, “I’ve been thinking about it ever since you told me about your coming out and your decision to marry your best friend despite being gay. About what this would mean about my relationship with your family. And what I’d be willing to accept if we do end up becoming more than friends.”
“Right.”
TK grabbed his hand and when Carlos looked at him, he found that he had the complete attention of him in a way he hadn’t had in all the time they’d known each other. It was as exhilarating as it was daunting.
With a seriousness that he hadn’t witnessed from him so far, TK said, “You don’t have to tell your parents we’re dating. If we bond, you don’t have to tell them it’s not platonic. I’m not sure if you’d be able to get away with not telling them about the bond, but that’s probably a problem I can’t solve for you. I’d like to meet them at some point and if it’s just as a friend or your personal shopper or whatever you’re comfortable with telling them. I just – I would prefer to know ahead of time what your plan is. Whether it’s a planned introduction or a surprise run in somewhere in town. You did say that they also live here in Austin, so it’s not entirely unlikely.”
Carlos nodded. It did make sense. It would only be fair to TK not to be caught off guard.
“I haven’t really thought about that. There never had been a need before,” Carlos admitted.
“Okay. You don’t have to come up with something right away,” TK said, “Right now the truth very much is that we’re friends. Or at least working towards that.”
“I’ll think of something,” Carlos said, “And when you’re ready for more, we can talk about it.”
“That works for me,” TK said, leaning back in his chair.
The tight knot that his stomach seemed to have twisted into loosened up at that. TK was open to them becoming more at some point to the extent that he was thinking about what that would look like. It was a good sign. Not to mention, as bad of a decision as it had seemed in the immediate aftermath, maybe it had been a good thing to open up about his own issues.
They sat in comfortable silence until TK said, “Not sure how much you know about the process or how much you’d have contact with it at work, but it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself roughly with the NA program. Especially the part about the way family and friends can and cannot help. In my experience, there are guides that tend to want to help every step of the way and that’s not really possible. There are things I have to do on my own. It’s really not – I can’t afford to depend on someone else for my emotional wellbeing and sobriety. I think it might be part pf why things went so wrong and my therapist thinks it might have been a factor as well.”
Carlos startled at that. Despite TK’s admission during their first meeting, he hadn’t actually thought much about it. Why hadn’t he thought more about it? Sure, he wasn’t acting like a junkie coming down from a trip or looking for the next fix. That didn’t mean he wasn’t battling those feelings, did it? And with the way that TK was clearly capable of not projecting his emotions, he could very well be holding it in despite struggling. He didn’t even know how long ago his relapse had been or how long he’d been sober prior to that.
“That sounds like a good idea,” Carlos said, “If you ever want to talk let me know. Or just if there’s stuff that I need to be aware of specifically in relation to you.”
“Yeah sure. Right now, my dad’s making me go to NA meetings every other day and see a therapist once a week.”
“That’s good,” Carlos said kind of awkwardly.
After a moment of silence, Carlos said, “Is there anything I should be aware of? If I invite you to my place or if you get hurt while we’re out together. Does it have an effect on your senses and your ability to control them?”
They talked a bit more about the kind of help TK had gotten from his parents in the past that worked for him and a couple of other topics before they ended the night.
~***~
Processing his sentinel in order to let him go probably did cross some boundaries. However, it hadn’t actually been his decision to let him go. His sergeant had made his own crosses there. He’d just been called to a different situation he had considered more critical and chosen to pass the final bit of the release and the paperwork on. Carlos had let him know that they were in the process of being matched and he’d still been given the job. And TK, despite complaining about it verbally, hadn’t actually been put off by it. Embarrassed, sure. Especially, when he kind of implicated that he’d been spoiling for a fight in the aftermath of the confrontation and subsequent beef he’d had with Judd Ryder at work after he’d been buried by tons of corn. The latter of which he’d already complained about in text at length. Primarily how he’d never thought it was possible for corn to be so heavy, the smell so horrid or how it felt like the worst peeling ever to have so many pieces of corn rubbing against his skin.
Carlos sighed as he remembered TK’s kind of confession about being afraid to bond with a guide. About relying too much on guides for his emotional wellbeing that he ended up suppressing a lot of emotions by instinct rather than desire which led to him feeling numb to the world at large. A two-edged sword that had been hanging over his head since he’d come online as a kid in the one event that had brought the largest number of sentinels and guides online since Pearl Harbor. It was daunting to realize that TK had been online for nearly two decades already.
Still, while he hadn’t made the best decisions and ending up arrested, he hadn’t totally failed. He’d still been sober after all.
He wished he didn’t have a couple of more hours of work to get through and could just be there for TK instead. However, he’d done his research since TK had pointed out to him that maybe he should be aware of what the process of getting and staying sober involved. Recovery was emotionally taxing and while his relapse sounded like a one-off event, it undoubtedly was traumatizing beyond what had led to it. He didn’t know how long TK had been sober prior to the relapse, but everything he’d read indicated that if your goal was to remain sober, losing any kind of progress was emotionally upsetting.
Closing the file in front of him, Carlos leaned back in his chair. He might not be able to do something now, but he could offer to be there afterwards. There had been suggestions by people online how to help and the likely limits. All dependent on the individual of course.
Getting out his phone, Carlos quickly sent a text to TK.
“Do you want me to come over after work?”
He waited for a while, but the message didn’t even switch to read. With a sigh, he returned to writing reports.
It took nearly half an hour before his phone vibrated in his pocket.
“Bring some snacks.”
“Or some Chinese.”
His mind already considering what he should bring, he quickly texted back.
“I’ll see what I come up with until I’m done.”
He hadn’t allowed himself to dream a lot about the kind of partner he’d have in life since he’d acknowledged that he was gay or the kind of sentinel after he’d come online. Somehow, he doubted that he would have ever imagined someone quite like TK who was filled with life and energy and so many emotions. TK was larger than life. A whirlwind of action and emotion. Still, he’d seen the quieter side. The caring side. The pain. Whatever future he might have with TK, it was bound to be a rollercoaster.
Despite that he was certain that they could be good for each other. He could be the calming and comforting presence that harbors TK amidst the whirlwind of his life and at the same time, TK could bring some excitement into his life. Excitement he was kind of looking forward to no matter how much he preferred things to be nice and calm and orderly and, kind of, utterly monotone and boring.
For a moment, he let his mind imagine a different kind of a future. A future with TK at his side as they stood strongly together to face whatever life was throwing their way. He imagined his mother showing TK all kinds of embarrassing pictures and videos from his childhood and teen years. TK and him at a family gathering. Camilla’s reaction to him having found a sentinel despite all of his flaws. A very non-platonic sentinel at that.
With a sigh, Carlos reminded himself to focus on the here and now. They had a long way ahead of them. TK still needed time to heal and learn to trust again, but with every moment they spent together, it was becoming clearer that he did want what was on offer. They were working towards not just a friendship but a relationship and a bond. Which also meant that Carlos had some work to do as well. Some decisions to make about what kind of relationship he wanted TK to have with his parents, siblings and extended family. What kind of relationship he wanted with them. Because TK wasn’t someone to hide away and he craved that openness even if he was far from ready to step out of the shadows he’d been hiding in since he came out to his parents.
Author: JE /
immortaljePairing: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Summary: When Carlos is matched with a sentinel from New York, he's got his work cut out for him to convince him that they can make it work. Along the way he has to face some of his own truths.
Rating: FRT
Words: 6,448
Beta: None
Challenge: This was written for Q2 "Fusion/Crossover" of The Big Moxie
Other Locations: Ao3
AN #1: While this takes place during early season 1, it does factor in canon from later seasons.
AN #2:I was kind of excited for this theme when I signed up as I have nearly a dozen 9-1-1 Lone Star/Sentinel fusions in various states of progress and this seemed like a good reason to finally finish them. I've been in love with Sentinel fusions for years and have been itching to write my own take on it for years.
And then I felt completely uninspired to work on any of them or start a new one. I was seriously browsing other crossovers I've got in progress as I really wanted to post something for the Big Moxie. In the end, I did go back to my original plan, but have to admit that I'm not as happy with this as I'd hoped to be. Especially since I intended the Sentinel and Guide theme to carry a bigger role. Oh well. I did try my best and I did manage to finish something I'm nonetheless proud of :)
The Hesitant Match
Carlos closed the door behind himself and sighed. Today’s family gathering had been one of the worst he’d attended so far. Granted, it hadn’t started out that bad even with him running just a bit behind his own schedule. It had gone downhill once Camilla, one of his cousins who was two years older than him, started in on him and his faults as a guide. It was the number one reason why he usually tried to avoid her. His relatives often enough helped with that. Because Camilla Reyes? She had ideas on what a guide should be and do to be perfect for their sentinel. Camilla, of course, meeting that perfection. Not that Camilla had found a sentinel yet. It wasn’t a guarantee for guides to find a fitting sentinel as there wasn’t an equal number of guides and sentinels. Neither did every guide or sentinel out there want or need a sentinel or guide to bond with. There were triads out there. Everything was possible.
It would help if he wouldn’t be as aware of every bit that made it harder for him to be matched up. An example of that being that he had limited potential matches to male sentinels only in a state where people usually limited to the opposite gender, leaving it open for either gender at most. Not that his family knew that part. He’d never outright said it. Though, his parents at least might think about it considering that he had come out as gay to them as a teenager. Not that they had actually asked him and he didn’t expect them to since they hadn’t even commented when he’d married Iris in the aftermath of their absolute non-reaction to his coming out.
The biggest fault – the one Camilla had harped on the most about this time – was his strong tie to Austin. He’d go as far as calling it territoriality. It was rare, but not unheard of, for guides to be territorial. They either found a local sentinel that was as territorial or one that wasn’t territorial in the traditional sense. The third option was that their drive to serve their community simply outweighed their desire for a sentinel. However, he was certain that the latter didn’t apply to him as he definitely yearned for someone to spend his life with in a non-platonic sense.
There were countless other things she believed that were more or less ridiculous. He’d gotten good at ignoring it the same way he ignored some of the crazy stuff at work. The problem was that he’d had a difficult shift that had run into a significant amount of overtime and, as a result, he hadn’t succeeded as much with ignoring Camilla’s rhetoric as usual. Worse, he’d been practically blindsided by her.
He’d retreated from the event as soon as it had been reasonably acceptable much to the chagrin of his mother. As much as he usually hated to disappoint her, he just didn’t have the energy to deal with anything else for the day. He was all out of fucks to give as one of his coworkers liked to say.
Deciding that he was just anxious enough to have trouble settling down, he started tidying up his living room a bit. Earlier he’d just rushed home to get changed and had been out of the door within less than ten minutes. Not that there was a lot to do though. All he had to do was cleaning out his work bag and replacing things as needed, preparing his breakfast for the next day and sorting through his mail.
As if the day couldn’t get any worse, sorting through his mail revealed an official letter from the local Sentinel and Guide Center. Just what he needed right after being told how bad of a guide he was. What did they want from him? Being summoned to the center had never been something good in his experience. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it had never been something he’d classified as good.
~***~
Carlos took careful, calming breaths. His current visit to the Sentinel and Guide Center wasn’t for any of the usual reasons he’d been called in so far. No, this one had the potential to be very good or very, very bad.
Alan, his assigned coordinator with the center, had given him the good news of a match with the potential for a high compatibility with very noticeable unease and caution. All he’d been told was that the match was with a sentinel from New York City coming to Austin to help rebuild the 126 that had suffered a horrendous tragedy several months ago. A male sentinel whose primary territory appeared to be centered around family – blood and chosen – rather than a specific geographical location. A sentinel who wasn’t the happiest to be in Austin. Who, apparently, had trauma stamped onto him. Although what kind of trauma hadn’t been revealed. A sentinel that had been strongly advised to find a guide that at the same time, didn’t appear to be overly interested in actually finding a guide.
He hadn’t even seen, let alone met, the sentinel yet and his heart was urging him to take care of him. He hoped that the meeting would go well. A meeting that was minutes away. A meeting that had to go well because the area covered by the 126 and the one that he typically covered overlapped quite a lot. He didn’t need that to be awkward.
“He’s ready for you,” someone said, startling Carlos out of his thoughts. The look the person gave him when he turned towards them was somewhere between pity and jealousy. Not very promising.
“Right,” Carlos said, standing up while his stomach tried to twist around itself with nerves.
“Room Six. At the end of the hall.”
“Thanks.”
He walked down the indicated hallway and couldn’t help but notice that he was heading towards the few rooms with extra muffling for privacy. He remembered being shown them on a quick tour of the facilities available to the general sentinel and guide population after he’d come online, but he’d never had a use for them so far.
Room Six had the additional feature of a glass door. A door that gave him prime view of one of the most gorgeous men he’d ever seen – even while he was sitting in a chair with his entire body screaming how much he didn’t want to be there, but would do as told. He was drinking from a cup that looked very much like those from that juice bar one of his coworkers kept raving about.
Not far from the door, another guide was sitting, observing the sentinel through the door. Initial meetings tended to be observed in some form or another to intervene if something went wrong. Still, they did try to give as much privacy as possible. The guy just nodded at Carlos in greeting, but didn’t say anything.
With a final deep breath, Carlos moved towards the room and opened the door. Time to face the music and see if this sentinel might be the one for him.
After he closed the door behind him and turned around, he noticed the sentinel look him up and down in clear, unashamed appreciation. There was little doubt that the sentinel was at the very least interested in getting to know him on a physical level. Emotionally was a different question. One not as easily answered as the sentinel clearly had experience in not projecting his emotions. Something that spoke to experience and someone that had been surrounded by guides for years.
Still, he clearly was hurting, miserable and likely depressed. He was fairly good at sensing overall base emotions even in those that were good at locking themselves down. There was a big difference between a base emotion and what someone currently felt though. It was still possible for someone that was depressed to feel happy just like a genuinely happy person could feel sad.
The sentinel put his cup down and, with yet another once over, said, “Well, they certainly know how to grow them here in Texas.”
It reminded him that he probably should say something himself.
“I’m Carlos and – “
“The poor guy they’re trying to assign to me?”
Carlos shrugged and sat down on the only other chair in the room. With as much nonchalance as he could manage, he said, “It’s not as if we wouldn’t have met. The 126 overlaps with the area I usually cover on shift.”
“Is it? Which station do you work for?”
“Main headquarters. I’m with APD.”
“A cop?” That had clearly caught the sentinel unaware. Thankfully, he couldn’t sense any immediate negative reaction beyond the surprise.
“That a problem?”
“Well, officer, that depends on where you fall on the line,” the sentinel said with a come-hither look.
“Of what? Public indecency certainly won’t fly,” Carlos said, trying very hard to ignore that he might just go there for this sentinel.
“Are you sure about that?” the guy said while looking him up and down, “How about some misuse of equipment. They do issue you handcuffs, don’t they?”
There was little doubt that the sentinel wasn’t just saying it to get to him, but actually very serious. Playful serious at any rate. So far everything was speaking towards a very good compatibility on a physical level. The emotional one was the problematic side though. Reminding himself that this wasn’t about just a center organized hook up, but an actual, serious match, Carlos tried to rein the flirting in a bit.
“Well, it’s not something for the first date. Things like that require trust after all.”
He could see the sentinel swallow at that. Both at the fact that it was on the table and that it wouldn’t be for just a hookup.
The sentinel huffed, leaned back in his chair in a way that looked very put out, and said rather grumpily, “I’m TK, in case they didn’t tell you.”
Carlos was sure that he expected there to have been an in depth briefing on the situation. Certainly, more so than he’d actually been told. Not that it would have been hard to achieve since he hadn’t even been told a name.
Shrugging, he said, “Just that you’re here to rebuild the 126. That you’re originally from New York City and, while not very interested in being matched, that you’ve been very strongly advised to get a match.”
All he got in return was a huffed, “Right.”
“Look, even if this doesn’t work out, I think you could need a friend. I’m willing to be such a friend.”
“You sure they didn’t say anything else? They usually give the whole life story in my experience. If not an entire family tree.”
“Not sure how it is in New York, but they tend to be primarily hands-off here. Let people figure themselves out. My coordinator said that you had trauma stamped all over you, and I can’t say that I disagree. While you’re good at keeping your emotions to yourself, I am able to sense a strong base note of you being miserable and likely depressed. Which fits together with some kind of trauma even if I can’t say what kind of trauma. Being a first responder myself, I can think of plenty of things though.”
TK huffed at that, but didn’t correct him.
After a moment and looking away from Carlos, TK said without the bravado he’d displayed so far, “My last boyfriend, who I was decently compatible with, he – well, I figured that he was it. Was gearing up for forever and he broke up with me for some other guy. Strongly implying that he’d been cheating without explicitly calling it that while at it.”
Carlos’ heart sank. That was a lot to overcome.
Before he could say something, TK added in an even lower voice, “And then I relapsed.”
“Oh.”
His mind was telling him that this could have been anything, even while he mentally catalogued and analyzed TK’s behavior with things he’d witnessed at work. His heart was beating fast as reality set in that trauma was probably putting it lightly. Sentinels and guides and addiction was a very touchy subject far too rarely touched in the public eye and only slightly more within the community itself. People rarely wanted to think of sentinels and guides as human beings that weren’t infallible.
“You know, if it’s too much -,” TK said, clearly expecting to be rejected.
“We can still be friends,” Carlos assured him quickly, “And it won’t scare me from giving you a chance for more once you’re ready. I can understand that it might take time to be ready for anything beyond friendship after that.”
As much as he wanted TK now, it was very obvious to him that this wasn’t something that could be rushed. Trust needed to be built first. More than that, TK would need to learn to trust his own choices in other people again.
“Really?”
Carlos was both glad and hurt by the hopeful disbelief coming from TK. Not all was broken, but a lot needed to heal before they really could reach a good place for a relationship beyond friendship. The question was if he could be patient enough or if he’d fall down that hole far too quickly and far too deep before it was wise to do so.
“Really,” Carlos said, “So, how about we actually get to know each other?”
“What do you want to know?”
Carlos shrugged, not sure where to start. It had been a while since he put himself out there to get to know someone he wanted to stay in his life.
“Guess I’ll start then. What’s your favorite food?” TK said, clearly done waiting for a question.
“It’s a tossup between my abuela’s fish tacos and my mama’s tamales.”
“Sounds great. I love pho and my mom’s cholent.”
With that the ice seemed to be broken and they kept asking each other random questions, keeping it to relatively safe topics like their jobs and family.
~***~
During yet another evening alone at home, Carlos ruminated on his developing friendship with TK Strand. After that first meeting between them, they had met up a couple of times in the center as they got to know each other. Carlos wasn’t sure why, but it somehow felt safer to do so at the center. TK seemed to agree as he kept suggesting the center as a location quickly each time. He wasn’t sure if it was about keeping their hands to themselves or about keeping the possibility of more out of the reality of the outside world though. Maybe both.
Whatever it was, Carlos learned that TK had a lot to say about anything and everything. Outside of how he was feeling about his last relationship, his relapse or them that is. They did talk about good places to go out to have a good time, weird calls they’d dealt with I the past, the best food places to go to in Austin, TK’s hardships around cooking and living with his health obsessed father. Especially since TK was primarily following a kosher-style diet.
It was hard getting TK to trust him outside of the save topics though. He wanted to ask someone for advice, but wasn’t sure who. His family was out, his best friend was still missing and possibly dead, and Michelle was building herself up to yet another episode this close to Iris’ birthday. Not that he wasn’t feeling the absence of his best friend. He kept wondering if he could have done anything to help her. If he could and should have noticed anything off with her. Instead, he’d thrown himself into work once it had become clear that they’d been very foolish and idealistic to think that marrying each other would fix either of their issues. Least of all Carlos’. They’d gotten worse at being friends. At communicating. At being open with each other.
And maybe that was it, wasn’t it? He was doing his very best to help TK, to get him to open up. What about giving something to TK? Hadn’t Iris talked about showing a bit of trust in a bid to gain someone’s trust during one of those times he’d helped her study for one of her psychology classes? Besides, if he ever did bond with TK, he would have to come clean about being still being married.
So, maybe he should go prepared to the next meet up with a couple of pictures and a story to tell. A meeting that would be the last meeting before the 126 would go online again for the first time in months.
~***~
“This feels different,” TK said as soon as he entered the room.
Carlos looked up from the stuff he’d spread on the table and could see that TK was staring at it with clear curiosity.
“I realized that this isn’t just about me getting to know you. It’s about us getting to know each other.”
“Okay.”
“Take a seat,” Carlos said, feeling far too nervous with TK standing over him. This decision had seemed so much better when he’d made it.
“You’re usually calm and collected.”
Carlos shrugged and said, “This isn’t – it’s not an easy topic for me to talk about.”
“Now I’m curious.”
“Family-wise, I’m only actually out to my parents,” Carlos started, figuring in that he might as well go for broke, “They told me they loved me and then completely ignored it. I – my best friend and I – we had this stupid notion that getting married to each other would fix things that weren’t good in our lives. She’d be able to have a stable family and I could fix what got broken with my parents when I came out. She’d been the first person I had come out to and she had been super supportive. Obviously, things don’t work like that. We just – we were too young, inexperienced and idealistic about what marriage meant.”
“So, you’re divorced?” TK said without any obvious judgement about the fact that he’d been married to a woman.
Carlos shrugged and said, “We’d talked about how the marriage would work. How we’d handle me being gay and not interested in sex with women and what we expected out of the marriage. Reality turned out differently. We’d agreed to separate and file for divorce and were both dating other people. Kind of. However, we were also procrastinating on it as I adjusted to being a cop and she attended med school. And then she went missing. I came online in the aftermath of that. That was three years ago.”
“Oh,” TK said almost soundlessly.
“If you’d like confirmation, Michelle Blake is her sister. She said she’d be back at the 126 as the EMT Captain for A-Shift,” Carlos said, unsure how to take a clearly wrongfooted and barely talking TK, “I mean, I haven’t told her about our meetings. I don’t meet up with her that regularly. Nor will I ever share anything we talk about with her without permission.”
“No, that’s fine. You don’t seem like the type that would go running around sharing other people’s secrets.”
“Are you okay?”
“It’s a lot to take in,” TK said, “And I’m not quite sure how to feel about the news that you are actually married.”
“I could still file for divorce. Eventually, it would be processed in absentia.”
“You wouldn’t be eligible to be told anything about the case though, would you? If you’re no longer married. You did say she was your best friend. Not that I’m saying that Captain Blake or other family members wouldn’t keep you informed. I only ran into her once and she seemed pretty decent.”
Carlos just shrugged, not sure if they would. He wasn’t sure how Michelle would take it even if she knew why he did it. There was a lot that he had a hard time judging when it came to any of the Blake women.
“Who knows why you got married? Just Iris?”
“Her sister is aware. I’ve grown closer to her since Iris went missing. I don’t think their mother is aware.”
“Right.”
To his dismay, the meeting didn’t really recover from his confession aside from a couple of more questions about the situation from TK and quickly came to an end. He couldn’t help but feel that he’d made a major error in judgement in revealing that painful piece of his past. At least this early. At one point in time, he would have had to tell him though, wouldn’t he?
~***~
Carlos wasn’t sure what to think when he got an invitation to meet up after work from both Michelle and TK not long after the first shift for the 126 must have ended. Michelle’s invitation had included a subtle wink about a certain firefighter, so he figured that she’d noticed his interaction with TK at the scene and considering how open TK was about being gay and might very well try to play matchmaker. TK’s invitation in turn had caught him off guard. Both for the fact that he’d been invited at all considering how their last meeting had gone and that it would be their first meeting outside of the center aside from their short meeting at that car accident.
Entering the bar, Carlos looked around and quickly spotted the crew close to the dancefloor. As a matter of fact, the majority of the group was making their way towards said dancefloor leaving just TK and another man behind. When he saw Michelle inviting who he assumed was TK’s dad, he took a deep breath and walked over.
“Hey,” he greeted TK, all of a sudden being extremely nervous.
“Hey,” TK said, drawing the word out a bit while looking him up and down, “You came.”
“Well, I ended up getting two invitations. Not sure if I had much of a chance to decline,” Carlos said, trying to go for funny.
“Really?”
“Yours might have been the more compelling one,” Carlos admitted.
“That’s good to know,” TK said with a smirk.
Cursing himself for how awkward this was, Carlos wondered what to do next. Reminding himself of all the previous meetings with TK, he remembered that he rarely wasn’t in motion or at least vibrating in some way or another.
“Wanna dance?”
TK looked him up and down and said, “Yeah.”
They quickly made their way towards the dancefloor where Carlos learned that contrary to his expectations, TK wasn’t a good dancer. At least not when it came to line dancing. Still, he went about it with a rather frustrated amusement. It was entirely too adorable.
If he’d thought that being invited out by TK would lead to a more open TK, he was sadly mistaken though. That didn’t mean that they didn’t have a good time. They flirted quite a bit and TK made sure that he got to meet the rest of the crew. The night also proved that he would risk a public indecency charge by letting TK go down on him in the bathroom. So, over all, the evening had been a success. Kind of.
A couple of days later, just as he was contemplating if he should invite TK for an outing and what kind TK would enjoy, he got another invitation. All the invitation included was a time and an address that he was fairly sure was in a residential area. All he could presume was that TK was inviting him to his own place.
When he arrived, the place actually looked as if nobody was home. Just as he was about to press the doorbell, a delivery driver pulled up behind his own car and got out. To his relief, TK opened the door in that moment.
Looking between the delivery driver and Carlos, TK was clearly amused as he said, “You’ve got perfect timing it seems. I hope you don’t mind that I picked some Chinese for both of us.”
“I’m pretty sure you grilled me enough on my preferences during our second meeting to know what not to order for me.”
TK just nodded and waved him inside while he focused on the delivery driver. Far too aware of himself, he made his way inside, studying the furniture and décor. He knew that TK had left most of the decision making to his dad, so there wasn’t a whole lot to get from the design choices about TK himself, but he knew that his own choices had been influenced by the way his childhood home had been arranged. So, there was reason to assume that TK’s might not be too dissimilar.
Before he could go too far, TK joined him, carrying the bag with several boxes inside.
“I figured we could sit outside. The weather seems bearable enough today to be outside for extended periods of time.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“I’ve been here less than a month and I’m not sure if I’ll ever acclimate to the Texas weather in comparison to New York. It might even top out trying to get used to the difference in smell and sound. I never realized how much I’d parsed out some stuff that is now missing very noticeably.”
Carlos just shrugged and said, “I’ve never been that far away.”
“Never?”
“Never felt the need to. I’m very comfortable here. I’ve actually been called territorial.”
“You might have to adjust to traveling with me to at least New York. My mom still lives there and I have every intention of visiting her.”
“I’ll see how it goes when it comes to it,” Carlos said hesitantly. The thought of going that far away was daunting. However, TK mentioning the two of them going to New York did imply that there would be enough of a future for them to require traveling together. To visit his mother at that and not just for a fun touristy trip.
With the table set for two and the numerous dishes set out that Carlos wasn’t sure they could finish eating, he said, “What about your dad? Is he home?”
“He’s out in town. Not sure if he’s actually on a date or just trying to check out the city with his senses. Mostly bars. He won’t be home until late.”
“Right.”
“He does know you’re here. Knowing that I wouldn’t be alone was a factor in his decision to go out without dragging me along. He likes to keep me close and right now; I’d rather not go to bars which.”
There was something that was missing from what TK was saying, but he didn’t know him well enough to infer it just yet. Hopefully, one day he’d be able to read between the lines or maybe even with TK willing not to hold onto his emotions so tightly.
While they ate, TK rambled along in the same way that he’d gotten used to – saying a lot without actually saying anything. Still, he could sense that TK was incredibly nervous about something. Considering his earlier comment about both of them traveling together to visit his mom, he didn’t think it was a break up. Not that they were really dating to begin with. He really needed to stay on track with that.
Finally, as TK ate the last of the vegetable potstickers, there seemed to be a shift in his mood.
“So, uh,” TK said, “if we are going to date and even bond. What do you intend to tell your family?”
Carlos felt a sudden dread. This had never before been an issue and he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t considered it in this instance. Everything in his interaction with TK had shown him that the man was out and proud and had the support of his parents in that. Really, meeting the rest of the 126 and seeing how diverse they were – there was little doubt that Owen Strand was doing his best to create a good work environment for his son. Well, maybe not just for his son as he’d been given the brief to counteract issues within AFD while being offered the job according to TK. However, Carlos was sure that the brass probably hadn’t considered how far the man would go. And he’d only met him twice on top of the things that TK had told him.
TK must have either sensed his distress or his expression must have been that easy to read, as he said, “I’ve been thinking about it ever since you told me about your coming out and your decision to marry your best friend despite being gay. About what this would mean about my relationship with your family. And what I’d be willing to accept if we do end up becoming more than friends.”
“Right.”
TK grabbed his hand and when Carlos looked at him, he found that he had the complete attention of him in a way he hadn’t had in all the time they’d known each other. It was as exhilarating as it was daunting.
With a seriousness that he hadn’t witnessed from him so far, TK said, “You don’t have to tell your parents we’re dating. If we bond, you don’t have to tell them it’s not platonic. I’m not sure if you’d be able to get away with not telling them about the bond, but that’s probably a problem I can’t solve for you. I’d like to meet them at some point and if it’s just as a friend or your personal shopper or whatever you’re comfortable with telling them. I just – I would prefer to know ahead of time what your plan is. Whether it’s a planned introduction or a surprise run in somewhere in town. You did say that they also live here in Austin, so it’s not entirely unlikely.”
Carlos nodded. It did make sense. It would only be fair to TK not to be caught off guard.
“I haven’t really thought about that. There never had been a need before,” Carlos admitted.
“Okay. You don’t have to come up with something right away,” TK said, “Right now the truth very much is that we’re friends. Or at least working towards that.”
“I’ll think of something,” Carlos said, “And when you’re ready for more, we can talk about it.”
“That works for me,” TK said, leaning back in his chair.
The tight knot that his stomach seemed to have twisted into loosened up at that. TK was open to them becoming more at some point to the extent that he was thinking about what that would look like. It was a good sign. Not to mention, as bad of a decision as it had seemed in the immediate aftermath, maybe it had been a good thing to open up about his own issues.
They sat in comfortable silence until TK said, “Not sure how much you know about the process or how much you’d have contact with it at work, but it might be a good idea to familiarize yourself roughly with the NA program. Especially the part about the way family and friends can and cannot help. In my experience, there are guides that tend to want to help every step of the way and that’s not really possible. There are things I have to do on my own. It’s really not – I can’t afford to depend on someone else for my emotional wellbeing and sobriety. I think it might be part pf why things went so wrong and my therapist thinks it might have been a factor as well.”
Carlos startled at that. Despite TK’s admission during their first meeting, he hadn’t actually thought much about it. Why hadn’t he thought more about it? Sure, he wasn’t acting like a junkie coming down from a trip or looking for the next fix. That didn’t mean he wasn’t battling those feelings, did it? And with the way that TK was clearly capable of not projecting his emotions, he could very well be holding it in despite struggling. He didn’t even know how long ago his relapse had been or how long he’d been sober prior to that.
“That sounds like a good idea,” Carlos said, “If you ever want to talk let me know. Or just if there’s stuff that I need to be aware of specifically in relation to you.”
“Yeah sure. Right now, my dad’s making me go to NA meetings every other day and see a therapist once a week.”
“That’s good,” Carlos said kind of awkwardly.
After a moment of silence, Carlos said, “Is there anything I should be aware of? If I invite you to my place or if you get hurt while we’re out together. Does it have an effect on your senses and your ability to control them?”
They talked a bit more about the kind of help TK had gotten from his parents in the past that worked for him and a couple of other topics before they ended the night.
~***~
Processing his sentinel in order to let him go probably did cross some boundaries. However, it hadn’t actually been his decision to let him go. His sergeant had made his own crosses there. He’d just been called to a different situation he had considered more critical and chosen to pass the final bit of the release and the paperwork on. Carlos had let him know that they were in the process of being matched and he’d still been given the job. And TK, despite complaining about it verbally, hadn’t actually been put off by it. Embarrassed, sure. Especially, when he kind of implicated that he’d been spoiling for a fight in the aftermath of the confrontation and subsequent beef he’d had with Judd Ryder at work after he’d been buried by tons of corn. The latter of which he’d already complained about in text at length. Primarily how he’d never thought it was possible for corn to be so heavy, the smell so horrid or how it felt like the worst peeling ever to have so many pieces of corn rubbing against his skin.
Carlos sighed as he remembered TK’s kind of confession about being afraid to bond with a guide. About relying too much on guides for his emotional wellbeing that he ended up suppressing a lot of emotions by instinct rather than desire which led to him feeling numb to the world at large. A two-edged sword that had been hanging over his head since he’d come online as a kid in the one event that had brought the largest number of sentinels and guides online since Pearl Harbor. It was daunting to realize that TK had been online for nearly two decades already.
Still, while he hadn’t made the best decisions and ending up arrested, he hadn’t totally failed. He’d still been sober after all.
He wished he didn’t have a couple of more hours of work to get through and could just be there for TK instead. However, he’d done his research since TK had pointed out to him that maybe he should be aware of what the process of getting and staying sober involved. Recovery was emotionally taxing and while his relapse sounded like a one-off event, it undoubtedly was traumatizing beyond what had led to it. He didn’t know how long TK had been sober prior to the relapse, but everything he’d read indicated that if your goal was to remain sober, losing any kind of progress was emotionally upsetting.
Closing the file in front of him, Carlos leaned back in his chair. He might not be able to do something now, but he could offer to be there afterwards. There had been suggestions by people online how to help and the likely limits. All dependent on the individual of course.
Getting out his phone, Carlos quickly sent a text to TK.
“Do you want me to come over after work?”
He waited for a while, but the message didn’t even switch to read. With a sigh, he returned to writing reports.
It took nearly half an hour before his phone vibrated in his pocket.
“Bring some snacks.”
“Or some Chinese.”
His mind already considering what he should bring, he quickly texted back.
“I’ll see what I come up with until I’m done.”
He hadn’t allowed himself to dream a lot about the kind of partner he’d have in life since he’d acknowledged that he was gay or the kind of sentinel after he’d come online. Somehow, he doubted that he would have ever imagined someone quite like TK who was filled with life and energy and so many emotions. TK was larger than life. A whirlwind of action and emotion. Still, he’d seen the quieter side. The caring side. The pain. Whatever future he might have with TK, it was bound to be a rollercoaster.
Despite that he was certain that they could be good for each other. He could be the calming and comforting presence that harbors TK amidst the whirlwind of his life and at the same time, TK could bring some excitement into his life. Excitement he was kind of looking forward to no matter how much he preferred things to be nice and calm and orderly and, kind of, utterly monotone and boring.
For a moment, he let his mind imagine a different kind of a future. A future with TK at his side as they stood strongly together to face whatever life was throwing their way. He imagined his mother showing TK all kinds of embarrassing pictures and videos from his childhood and teen years. TK and him at a family gathering. Camilla’s reaction to him having found a sentinel despite all of his flaws. A very non-platonic sentinel at that.
With a sigh, Carlos reminded himself to focus on the here and now. They had a long way ahead of them. TK still needed time to heal and learn to trust again, but with every moment they spent together, it was becoming clearer that he did want what was on offer. They were working towards not just a friendship but a relationship and a bond. Which also meant that Carlos had some work to do as well. Some decisions to make about what kind of relationship he wanted TK to have with his parents, siblings and extended family. What kind of relationship he wanted with them. Because TK wasn’t someone to hide away and he craved that openness even if he was far from ready to step out of the shadows he’d been hiding in since he came out to his parents.
